This is from Maria's Myspace Blog. She was (that hurts, to say that in past tense) my lead on this show. I was just really touched by the entry, so I thought it'd be appropriate to post it here. God and Goddess, she loves it like I do!

Warning: There is sappy and emotional material in this blog. I am letting all my feelings out here. If that kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, stop reading immediately and close this window.

When I was a kid I grew up not knowing who my dad was. Then when I finally met him, I remember feeling this weird emotion. Even now I remember exactly how I felt, and even now I still can't put the feeling into words. The feeling is beyond words. I felt this feeling on November 27, 1988 at around 6:30 at night in Worcester Massachusetts.

More than a decade later, I met Billy Idol face to face. I had been worshiping him for about twenty years, and then here he was, right in front of me, giving me a hug, kissing my cheek, autographing my breasts, telling me how pretty he thought I was. Again, words can't describe the feeling. Just like the moment I met my dad for the first time, I still remember the way my heart pounded in that parking lot in Colombia, Missouri on July 19, 2005 at around 5:00 in the evening.

Those two events were the heart-stopping, gut-wrenching, alternate reality, walking on clouds moments in my life. Words cannot possibly come close to describing those moments and how they were so overwhelming that I almost fainted.

However, those two do not even compare to the moment of February 9, 2007 at around 8:50 at night in New Haven, Connecticut. I know exactly where I was. I was at the Long Wharf Theater, Stage II, downstage center. I was in the arms of a man named Rob Rocke, and our lips were touching. There was a light shining on us, and there were lots of people watching us, and clapping and cheering. Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" was playing. That moment surpasses all moments in history. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I half-fainted in Rob's arms. I moaned. I shook. I gasped for air. But on the outside I appeared calm. Then the lights went out and he whispered in my ear, "You did great, Maria!" I tried to say "thank you" but I had no voice. I could barely stand. I tried to answer, but all that came out was a soft groan.

The feeling is indescribable.

Since before I even met my father, I've wanted to act. But I had it ingrained in my head that it would never happen, that it was a dream, a fantasy, but I still liked to think about it, and dream about it. It wasn't until recently that I realized that it was possible for me to pursue it if I took college courses for it. But once I realized that, I also "realized" that I had no acting talent. My teacher made it clear to me that I couldn't learn it. It was too hard, too confusing. I got frustrated that it came so easily to others, yet it was so difficult for me. Why did my teacher encourage others and applaud others and give positive feedback to others who barely tried, but when I tried hard, there was nothing? It was true. I had no talent, and I never would. It sank in. It stayed.

In my anger, I decided to just practice going to auditions for the sake of the practice. I auditioned in New Haven after receiving a call from the executive director of New Works New Haven. I went there just for practice. I did my audition, and left the room. The door closed behind me and I began to hear my acting teacher in my head. "I didn't like it. You did it like this. You should have done it like this. Watch me do it, and you'll see what you did wrong. You need to work on your punctuation. You need to work on your switches. You need to work on your body language." She likes saying things like this, but I never learned from her what she means by 'punctuation' or how to go about working on my switches and body language. She just would inform me of all the areas I suck in (all of them) and that would be the end of it.

The next day I got a voice message from Dana Sachs. He didn't say much, just that he'd like me to call him back. I did and I remember his exact words. "You were my first choice for the lead role in Redboy Burn." I couldn't believe it. I figured the guy was on dope or something. Me? He wanted me? Why? I had no talent. But I was still happy that someone considered me. I told myself that he wanted me because I was the only hispanic female that auditioned. That had to be it.

Rehearsals began. Everyone else involved had way more experience than I did, and here I was with the leading role. I felt so alone, so out of place. Everyone involved was really nice, though. But I was still waiting for Dana to lecture me on my "punctuation", my "switches", everything she found faulty about me. Rehearsal after rehearsal went by, and still, he was encouraging and helpful. He helped me understand my character. He helped me invoke Ayla into me. He didn't do the work for me. He guided me along in it. And I found myself getting better at it. I couldn't believe it. The very last rehearsal came and went, and he announced how pleased he was with all of us as far as acting and everything went.

Opening night came. I was scared. I was still wondering how the hell I got the leading role. I didn't know what Dana saw in me, because I sure as hell didn't see anything. My acting teacher that I've had for a year and a half sure didn't see any talent in me. The light went up. I did my first monologue. The scenes came and went. At 8:50, I said my very last monologue, my last word. I looked into Rob's eyes. He grabbed and embraced me, our lips touched, the music started, the hands clapped loudly, the crowd cheered, the lights went out, and he whispered, "You did great, Maria!"

It was that moment. The biggest moment of my life. That's when it all hit me like a ton of bricks. It hit me so hard that I cried, I almost fainted, I choked on my breath. It hit me.

I do have talent. I can do this. I CAN ACT! And it's not from anything that bitch ever taught me. It was from my experience with the cast and crew of Redboy Burn. She's a terrible teacher, a terrible mentor, and not worthy of my time. I don't need her! I got this role by myself. I searched the internet, I called the number, I drove and hour and a half to the audition, I scaled a fucking fence to get in, I did the audition, I walked out, and I accepted the leading role.

I DID IT.

With the help and guidance of Dana and Rosana, and with the teamwork of Jocelyn, Rob, Jeremy and Susan, I fulfilled my dream of over eighteen years. I became an actor. I am an actor. And there's nothing my acting teacher, or anyone else for that matter, can say to make me think any less of my abilities!!! I know what I'm capable of, and I know that there's definitely room for improvement, and I know that it's a process, but I also know that I am now an actor. An actor! Nothing can stop me now. I'm on top of the fucking world!!!

I was in Jeremy's car a few nights ago. I remember telling him that if I had the choice of having all the sex I want for the rest of my life but never acting again, and never having sex again but being able to act, I would choose the latter. As much as I love to fuck, I would rather give up sex forever than give up acting. Jeremy didn't believe me. I'm a Scorpio, and so is he, so he thought I was just being a crazy drunk. And I was drunk when I said this, but I'm sober now and I would still make the same choice.

I want to thank everyone who worked on Redboy Burn with me as well as everyone to came to the show. It was the best experience of my life, and I doubt that any future ones will even come close to matching up with it. The show is over now, and I'm aching. I'd give anything to do the show just one more time.

Thank you for reading, and Blessed Be.

Sleeping Dragon

I was a sleeping dragon, I cast myself out to sea,
I was a dreaming damsel, the Hermit hung on the door.
But now I am awake, returned from my long journey,
I have found my dreams are real and I am ready for more.

If I could tell you how I felt, how I truly felt, about this weekend and the performances, it might sound incredibly sappy or insincere, and I don't want it to. But I'll try to express how I felt.

When I finished up production on my show The Difference Between Running and Leaving, I could feel and see the future laid out before me. Not specifics, but I knew that theater would be in my life and that things would pan out. I knew that I would see another show go up, and many more, in the future. I felt like all was right with the world, with my place in the pattern of it. I felt that I knew what I was doing was right. I felt connected to all the other me's in the future that would feel this again and again.

And Sunday night, I felt it again. I knew that I was in line with my self-made fate. I just knew. I never want to forget what that felt like, because that feeling of seeing something I wrote on stage, and collaborating with such amazing and talented people, working hard to bloom a wonder, that feeling is my drug. I am an addict. I'm jonesing now, but I feel it all at hand. Writing is my drug.

The support! So many of my friends and family came. I mean, my sisters drove up from D.C. and down from New York to come. My mother flew in from Puerto Rico. My best friend Becky came from Boston. My friend Rachel drove from New Jersey. My New Haven friends took the time to come--Marty, Andi, Randolph, Barry (who walked from Rudy's in that horrible cold), Pat, Kirsten, Kate, Dee, Flick. Becky's parents came from Shelton. Lenny's mom came from Maine. Friends from work--Gammy, Kim, Evelyn--all came. My neighbors--Tammy, Dana, Tom and Fran--came out. The gratitude I feel in my heart is endless. They will never know what it means to me.

And the cast and crew. Dana really understood my show and directed it beautifully. Jocelyn was the cutest stage manager ever. Maria was amazing. There's no words for that. Jeremy was dead on. Rob and Susan stepped up to the plate. I don't have words. I really don't.

Lenny was a support and a lover and a friend and just perfect. He had tears in his eyes and told me how proud he was.

Sunday night, the cast called me to the stage and I took my bow. My bow.

This weekend was amazing. Thank you everyone.

Click here for photos from the performance on February 10, 2007 (Click here for slideshow)
Click here for photos from the performance on February 11, 2007 (Click here for slideshow)

Maria was on f-cking fire. Fire.

It was amazing tonight. Seriously. Jeremy was the perfect a--hole (I mean, of course, that he was the perfect Kevin). Susan had Valeri dead on and was hilarious as Danielle. Rob was great as Jamie and charming as Joe. Jocelyn ran those cues like clockwork. Dana was cool as a cucumber.

And Maria was ON FIRE.

One night down. Two to go.

Photos tomorrow, because tonight was all about just watching.

And in case you're wondering about the soundtrack:

Samba Pa Ti by Santana - One of my favorite songs from childhood and makes me think of a phoenix rising from the ash

Hechicera by Mana - About a spellbinding woman, which I think Ayla is in this scene, keeping two men

Panic Song by Green Day - It just screams drugs to me, jonesing for it, anyway, and it's just a wicked good pick up on the energy

Fourth of July by U2 - Jeremy's pick for his monologue, which works really well--I don't think I'll ever hear this song again and not think of the line, "Some girls are like paper."

Guitar Flute and String by Moby - I had to use Moby and I love this song, so in it went, being slightly melancholy

Butterfly in Reverse by the Counting Crows Tribute - I had to stick CC in there, so I found an instrumental version of this song, since it makes me think of Ayla a bit

Witch Hunt by Rush - Jeremy's suggestion (he's really into Rush--note the shirt in scene 4) when we came up short for a song, and it works well, flowing with the witchiness of the cast (yes, Maria)

Little Wing by Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble - We thought to use the Jimi version but this instrumental version works better with the timing of the show (and who doesn't love SRV?)

Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton - This was a surprise for my boyfriend, because it's our song and it's supposed to be us at the end

The actors knew their lines. The soundtrack was finished (albeit making me slightly late to the theater). The set was up. All props were there. Costume decisions had been made.

Somehow, though, tech rehearsal devolved into something horrible.

I have never counted the lighting cues, but there are A LOT more than I thought. That's how time and place are able to change so many times during the show. And we didn't get through all of them. Not at all. We made it to scene 3. Barely. Maybe scene 4.

We have to go back before the show to finish up. We are seriously not technically ready. I want to run that lightboard so bad, just because it really can't be that hard. I don't think. But what do I know? The guys in the booth totally heard my bitching, I'm sure. Way to get an in at the Long Wharf, huh?

Unfortunately, Jocelyn got really upset because things weren't going well. Everyone besides Dana and Joc, plus Rob's wife/girlfriend (I'm not sure on this one) went to Brazi's for food and drink and speed-thru (I stuck to drink). We called Joc on speakerphone and told her we love her, just so she knows that we're not pissed at her. It just sucks to have two hours for tech. I know that's all we could get, and that everyone is doing what they can, but it's still frustrating. I wish I could keep my cool, but sometimes I just think that it's the way I am. Fighting it just makes me even MORE frustrated and bitchy. Go figure.

They say a bad dress/tech before opening night means opening night will go wonderfully.

I want to strangle the person that said that, just a little bit.

Click here for photos from tech rehearsal on February 8, 2007 (Click here for slideshow)

I should have written this last night, fresh from rehearsal, but I didn't. But I will still tell you as if it was right there, new in my mind.

Everything rocked.

Jeremy dyed his hair red.

Music started gelling.

There were these beautiful moments between the characters, like Ayla and Danielle (the spite and hatred run strong), Ayla and Valeri (real, true friends), Kevin and Ayla (so many), Ayla and Joe (I almost cried tonight).

Rob figured out how to divide Jamie and Joe.

I was delighted.

I wanted to dance. Dance, dance, dance.

I love my play again, in this wonderful way.

Dana loved rehearsal. He even said that my script was well-written. I haven't heard that a lot at rehearsal.

I feel good. It's going to compell people, I honestly believe.

There is still so much to do, but I'm happy.

Click here for photos from rehearsal on February 7, 2007 (Click here for slideshow)

What I See as I Listen
Nope. Not a photo of my actors at all. I have taken to not really watching them, unless I'm shooting a pic, but looking at my feet, off into space, at a small detail in the background, as they speak. I'm listening, mumbling lines under my breath, remembering when the words were private, a defense case to be brought to the courtroom, an internal monologue, a diary entry, a poem written late at night, a writing session at my computer, a slip of a thought as I rode the train to Bridgeport, an idea.

I am not a public person. Sure, I'll forget my boundaries and say or reveal things I shouldn't, but that's more about being socially inept than about being an exhibitionist. In fact, being around people too long gives me the willies, especially in large groups. So the fact that I've chosen theater as one of my media is peculiar, I suppose. But as a writer, you spend so much time all alone, that to collaborate, to have other skills come in and morph what you've done--it's essentially like raising a kid with your whole family. Of course, other things I write, like poems and stories, are a completely private ritual. Theater lives, though. And changes.


Ayla with PKD as Kevin does a line, Ayla calls in sick to work

Rehearsal
Went well. We were in a new space, the Kehler Liddel Gallery and, unfortunately, I again managed to find a space with horrible heating. Seriously, I wonder if I am a repellent for heat. The size of the space is perfect. It has parking. There's a bar across the street for angsty writer posing and no one got lost trying to get there. But the heat just couldn't warm us. It sucks. And we got a CD stuck in the computer we weren't really supposed to be touching, but luckily Matt, who loaned us the space, said it was a "known problem." Thank goodness.

We're still running at 48 minutes. I am at the point where I can't change anything but want to. I want to cut all sorts of lines everywhere. Of course, it might just end up being really short, but I have definitely gotten the one-woman show thing out of my system for awhile. It'll be back, since that's where I started writing, the technique I learned on. But right now, I'm ready for a lot of dialogue, a present setting (as opposed to a memory play) and no characters with seven lines. I'm itching to write. I have an idea, or actually, a lot of ideas. But we'll see which one takes, sticks.

I'm going to need something bigger than this. Not that this isn't a big deal, but mostly only to me. It doesn't allow for a lot of creative acting (and that's the playwright's job, too, to give good scenes, shows that actors want to be in). It's a one-act. It's running three nights, with two other plays. I mean, I guess I got a little reality check last night. This is only part of the beginning. I just need to focus on working. I need to focus on this a lot more than I have. I need to get involved, work with theaters (which is fine, because I love doing this stuff). I really, really wish someone wrote a guide for these things. I like step-by-step process. I can follow that.

AAAAHHHH!!!

You have to understand that I get anxious about everything. I am trying, trying, trying to take everything in stride, only do what is humanly possible, and not break down if things change at last second. But this is not easy. Especially for me.

And we're five days until opening night. We have a bigger space for rehearsal tonight and Wednesday, which I'm excited about. The actors will have room to walk around! The soundtrack is in major craziness. I don't listen to anything instrumental, but there's no times to let vocals have the effect they normally could during a blackout. I could edit songs, but, seriously, I don't have a lot of time. Dana wants the soundtrack tonight.

I am definitely at the point where I don't know if the show is any good. Sometimes I feel like Ayla talks too much, that Kevin becomes a stereotype at the end (which is not necessarily a bad thing, I just haven't decided if that's what I want), that Valeri/Danielle and Jamie/Joe could have more lines (especially after I found out how talented Rob is), that the show might be horrible entirely, that the show is perfect, that everything is crazy and that everything is going according to schedule.

I just want opening night. And I don't. Because then it'll all be over. Ah, the post-partum will be hitting hard on Monday. I suppose that's life's way of telling me how much I love this stuff and that I need to fight, tooth and nail, to keep doing this. I want to talk to other playwrights, and find out how they do this.

I wonder if there will be any press for this.

Redboy Burn: After a Laugh by ~StarryRose on deviantART


Redboy Burn: Around the Eyes by ~StarryRose on deviantART


Redboy Burn: A Happy Ending by ~StarryRose on deviantART

Yes! I'm dancing around, so imagine that. Okay, not physically dancing around, but spiritually and mentally dancing around. We ran through the show last night, and it was only 48 and a half minutes. We went from 31 minutes over to 3.5 minutes. That doesn't necessarily mean we're in the free and clear yet, but it does mean that things went really well last night.

Now, it wasn't perfect, but the run time was cut down, there were only a few times the actors missed lines and Susan did this great thing with the Valeri character. She made this whole progression in the relationship/friendship between her and Ayla. And I loved it. When I said something about it during notes time, Susan said she was glad I noticed. It's funny, because sometimes acting is just about fine-tuning a couple of things and it makes the characters and relationships so much more real. I was happy with that.

After rehearsal, which Dana shut down early (this time from joy, not being mad about lines), Maria, Rob, Jeremy and I went to Delaney's. Maria hasn't eaten in three days (she's fasting for religious reasons) and got drunk really quick. It was funny. I had a Sol, which I haven't had in nearly a year. I remember why I like it better than Corona.

We open in 9 days.

Click here for photos from rehearsal on January 31, 2007 (Click here for slideshow)